Best Halloween Cards

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Top Funny Halloween Quotes

Dandy as candy, slick as a trick, sweet as a treat. Funny Halloween quotes that won't stick to your teeth or turn you into a diabetic. You'll be howling like a werewolf.

Share your own joke or feedback in the Comment box.


Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a pi�ata.
- Jim Samuels

I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah�s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don�t like strangers going up to their door and annoying them.
- Bruce Clark

I love Halloween. It's the only night of the year I can wear a wedding dress without looking desperate.
- Adam ?@AdamofAlbion

Hair stylist: Gonna wear a costume for Halloween? Me: (Looking at my new haircut in the mirror) Probably something with a hood.
- John Lyon ?@JohnLyonTweets

These masked trick-or-treaters must be confused. They're a day early, came in the back door, passed up the candy & took the big screen TV.
Just Bill ?@WilliamAder


Funny Halloween Quotes,Group 2

I like to get my candy early for Halloween so I have plenty of time to buy more when I eat the first bag.
- Molly ?@SleepingSuspect

If I'm lazy and I can't come up with a costume, I would just wear a slip and write 'Freudian' on it.
- Julia Stiles

If you�re in Alabama, don�t dress up as a nun, priest or rabbi for Halloween. Impersonating �a minister of any religion� is punishable by fine or jail.
- Nina Vizcarrondo, in Time

When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing.
- Robin Bach

I awaken in the Halloween aftermath. Bed covered in candy wrappers. Looking down at my chocolate smeared hands I whisper, "What have I done?"
- Reverend Scott ?@Reverend_Scott

It's that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I've been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.
- Andy H. ?@AndyAsAdjective

Funny Halloween Quotes,Group 3

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.
- Donna Macabre ?@Donna_McCoy

Instead of buying a Halloween costume it was cheaper just to get a haircut at Great Clips.
- Northside Hombre ?@Northside_Mike

Got home, opened the bedroom closet door and a naked guy shrieked at me. Wow, my wife has some pretty crazy Halloween pranks up her sleeve.
- Brian Hope ?@Brianhopecomedy

A Fargo woman will give overweight trick-or-treaters warning letters, not candy. In other news, a woman's house will be egged by fat kids.
- Julius Sharpe ?@juliussharpe

Honey. I didn't *lose* our kid on Halloween, he just went as the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle and I can't know exactly where he is.
- Earthman Adam ?@AdamOfEarth

Funny Halloween Quotes,

Group 4

When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high-heel shoes, fishnet stockings...

- David Letterman


This year I'm the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn't seen me standing here for an hour.

- Terry F @daemonic3 


Boss: �I thought I said no costumes this week.� 

Me: �These are my clothes.�

- Just Bill @WilliamAder


I put a box of Halloween candy on the top shelf of our cupboard and then watched my 3 year old become an architect.

- Brian Hope ?@Brianhopecomedy

Aren't we clever, making the kids go door to door collecting candy for us?

- snowjob ?@canadasandra 

Top Funny Halloween Quotes Top Funny Halloween Quotes Reviewed by kanwal pro on 5:44 AM Rating: 5

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